Over the years of my practice, I have worked with a lot of clients who experience social anxiety. This can range from feeling uncomfortable when bumping into people and doing small talk, to struggling in larger group settings at work or social events.
What I have noticed is that most people are not aware of the pressure they are placing on themselves. The pressure to start a conversation, keep it flowing, and come across in a way they feel good about.
Then there is the agony of the replay. Going over and over an interaction, worrying if you said too much or too little, or asking yourself: did I make a fool of myself?
“The problem with replaying every interaction is that it reinforces the feeling that you are not good in social situations.”
Why does the replay make things worse?
The more we analyse what we said or did, the more we cement the belief that we are somehow failing socially. And this, understandably, makes it harder the next time a social situation comes around. You are likely to feel more nervous and carry that sense of not being good enough into future interactions.
I know it can be hard; I really understand the feeling of cringing with embarrassment at a post interaction analysis, but believe me rumination will not help.
Where does this anxiety come from?
These feelings can be deeply hardwired into us as a survival response. Back when we were hunters and gatherers, being alone could mean death. We would not have survived without our social group sharing resources and protection.
The stakes are not the same now, but we still carry that primitive part of the brain that tells us how important it is to be liked and to fit in. That is why it can feel so uncomfortable when we think we do not.
“We still carry that ancient part of the brain that tells us it is vital to be liked and to belong.”
In therapy I help clients to unpick what is going on for them, but there are three things I come back to that often help.
It is not all on you
Holding a conversation is not just your responsibility. There are two of you involved. And just because it feels a bit clunky does not mean you have failed at it.
Conversations flow more easily with some people than with others, and that is perfectly okay. Try to hold onto that before you give yourself another internal telling-off afterwards.
Focus on connection, not impression
Instead of going into a social situation trying to make an impression, try focusing on making a connection. For example, if you have been dragged to a wedding and do not know many people, try striking up a conversation with someone nearby instead of avoiding eye contact. You may even find that they are feeling uncomfortable too!
Very often, people are so focused on how they are coming across that they do not notice or judge you in the way you fear. It really is not all about you and remembering that can take a lot of pressure off.
Act as if they already like you
One technique I often suggest is to go into a social situation with your inner voice telling you; “They already like me, I have got nothing to prove.” With practice and repetition, this can help shift your mindset.
The brain has a natural plasticity that allows us to create new default ways of thinking and over time this can help you feel less anxious, more relaxed, and more able to be yourself, which naturally makes social situations easier.
“With practice and repetition, you can use the brain’s natural plasticity to create a new default way of thinking.”
A moment to reflect
If any of this resonates with you, take some time to reflect on the pressure you put on yourself in social situations.
What is the story you tell yourself after an interaction?
What might it feel like to let some of that go?
If you would like to explore this further in therapy, please do get in touch.