Your feelings are meant to be felt. They might be uncomfortable or even overwhelming at times, but they can offer valuable information about our needs and whether those needs are being met.
Sometimes we avoid feelings, and while this might feel helpful in the short term, it can cause physical and emotional difficulties over time. Suppressed feelings can intensify, leading to overwhelm and stress. We might notice symptoms such as muscle tension or headaches, or we may overreact to something small, or shut down and withdraw rather than try to resolve the issue.
“The feelings that we push down are often the ones we label as negative.”
In my experience the feelings that we push down are often the ones we label as negative. For example, anger—often referred to as a secondary emotion. Many of us have been conditioned to see anger as less acceptable than other feelings and may try to ignore or suppress it.
Very often, beneath anger lies another feeling that came first—disappointment, guilt, or a sense of unfairness. If we can pinpoint exactly what we are feeling, we give ourselves a chance to work out what we need to do about it. This might be revisiting a conversation that left us feeling unheard, or maybe we have realised that someone’s behaviour isn’t working for us and that a boundary is needed.
Of course, our feelings are not facts, and at times our reaction may not be connected to what’s happening in the present moment. It could be old feelings resurfacing from a past experience, influencing how we feel in the here and now.
“It is helpful to take a few minutes to explore what is coming up for you and why.”
It is helpful to take a few minutes to explore what is coming up for you and why. Are there unresolved issues in an area of your life? For example, do you feel overly defensive in conflict because of a past relationship where you were consistently criticised?
Maybe you feel rejected if a message goes unanswered or a reply takes longer than you hoped. Is this typical of the relationship—a feeling of not being prioritised—or is it an old feeling from a past relationship?
Once you are aware of what it is you are feeling, you can decide what you need to do moving forwards. That might be allowing yourself space to fully experience the feeling whilst offering yourself self-compassion and empathy.
If we judge the feeling with thoughts that we shouldn’t feel that way we can open the door to shame, which prevents us from becoming curious about ourselves and open to change.
It is also worth remembering that feelings are transient by nature and that we do not need to fear them. Allow them to be a guide if needed, and once we can understand ourselves and stop avoiding our emotions, we stand a much better chance of navigating life and relationships successfully.
If anything here resonates with you and you would like to explore it further, please get in touch here.